Your grandfather was a Baptist missionary in India. His father was a Methodist minister. Both lived very humbly. Dad and I didn't have a relationship on any level. We didn't have common politics, interests - we didn't really talk. However, he still was one person that I respected deeply because of his honest, anonymous and generous giving to those in need. Watching him, I saw why he did things the way he did. First - if you are giving consistently to others, you are not wrapped up in materialism and the unending pursuit of getting more stuff. Dad had a lot more opportunity to increase his wealth and our overall standard of living, but he was very content to live in a smaller home with an average car. As you are already probably putting together...I have not mastered this skill like my dad did. But I do recognize it to be a weakness. You will find - in general - that people think they deserve a lot and that the accumulation of wealth and material possessions is a measure of how deserving they are. Don't ever forget that you live in a country where we have far more than most people in the world. Second - it feels good. It really does. If you're helping with money, sometimes the money is 'wasted' because the person who you are giving it to spends it in a way that you didn't intend for them. My thought is that this is a bit of micro-managing - you have to reflect on how you might make choices different then others (especially bad choices) and how you'd like to be judged / controlled / criticized in a similar situation. If you're giving with effort, the same thing can apply. For example, you might help someone get a job, but then they might quit a week later. Don't rationalize yourself into not helping anyone because of the bad outcomes you might observe. Dad was great at this - he understood human weakness, but helped anyways where he could. Dad also never tooted his horn about his donations and was very private and anonymous (when he could be). My analysis was that its giving in its most pure form - giving without expecting reciprocity. I use the same philosophy. Catherine told me about an Podcast that she thought I would like: Hidden Brain. Over Christmas I heard on old rerun on The Science of Compassion. Near the end of the podcast they talk about how we tend not to help those masses less fortunate than us: starving children in Africa, poverty in India, etc. Our brain does this trick on us: "If I help one, I'll have to help everyone - and I can't help everyone". Its a false conclusion we make to relieve ourself from the stress/pressure to solve for everyone. But...don't let your brain trick you like this. It is better to help 1 child in India than zero.
When I was a child, my mother was convinced that I was embarrassed of her. I guess....if I'm being totally honest, I was. She was dark - darker than me. And we lived in a small town where almost everyone else was white. Embarrassment - I think - came and evolved in those moments when I became aware of being darker and in my observation of other kids' reactions to seeing my mother. I don't feel like I experienced any overt racist in that small town - I don't remember anyone saying anything mean. Nothing like the racism that happens every day in countries like the US. It was more like I was an asterisks. I always wonder if I had said something to my mother when I was really young like: "I wish you weren't dark" or "I wish that I wasn't dark" For my last two grades of high school I went away to a Christian boarding school. It was a good departure from being at home as my parents were much more strict than the school was. Also, kids had come from all over the world (I guess they had a good advertisement department). So, it was a unique opportunity to meet kids from all over the world who had come from different cultures. But this was the first place that I really experienced direct negative comments from the white Canadian-born kids: "Someone who is dark like you is in your dorm room" - was a typical comment when my mother came for visits. They were isolated incidents, but they reinforced the idea that I was different Over time and with exposure to people from other cultures in College and now in work, I've realized that this phenomenon is universal. The desire to be more white. In almost all cultures (e.g. India, China, Latin America), lighter skinned people have 'better' positions in those societies. I wonder how this happened and why it is: white is somehow associated with 'good' and 'dark' more associated with 'bad'. I have always felt a bit grateful / lucky to have experienced the slightest version of this - really a peak into what it is like to be darker. I wouldn't say that I've suffered in any way but have always been aware that I'm not 'standard issue'. For example, if you ask someone to close their eyes and think of an American - they will think about someone that looks like a Kennedy, not someone from Japan. But it can be frustrating as much of the population does not believe in the concept or disadvantage of racist at all. If only I could wave a magic wand and make those people native american, or black, or muslim for 5 years. White people get very uncomfortable and defensive on this topic. I guess it wouldn't make sense if you hadn't experience it personally. In a way it doesn't make sense (i.e. why would it be better to be white?). When uncomfortable you tend to hear things like: "I think of you as a white person" and when defensive: "I don't agree with affirmative action" - when mixed, you hear: "I'm not racist, but..." The standard line for defending status quo is: "well, we should be on an even playing field" - in reference to competition for CEO positions or college entry. Even though non-whites have been in a disadvantaged position for at least hundreds of years, I think this sort of makes sense. This argument falls apart when you realize that non-whites are *still* competing from a disadvantaged position. And this is where the problem lies - a lot of the white population would describe this position as even playing field. Even though numbers tell a different story. When women started demanding their place in the workforce and starting moving into executive positions - a type of affirmative action took place to compete against the disadvantaged position that they had against white males. And now, after some time, we can see that women do things their own way....and maybe its a better way than the way companies were managed before. That insight wouldn't have happened unless we allowed women in by 're-leveling' the playing field. We are also now starting to see that highly diverse companies have a distinct advantage over those that are not. It all seems like a move in a positive direction even as there is a nationalistic backlash occurring here and other countries. Hopefully diversity eventually wins. I thought this was an important thing to talk to you about because you may now feel like I did about my mother. I want you to know that it is perfectly natural. But also, when you get older I hope that you can help fight for people who suffer only because they are not white.